Sunday, October 15, 2006

Fear vs. Faith

I am using this blog to share with you, my closest friends, some thoughts I have had this weekend. As the possibility (and even probability) of needing open-heart surgery after this baby comes looms ever larger before my mind (they found "regurgitation"-- a heart valve is not closing properly), I have cried more the past two days than I have cried the past five years. I am so scared. I'm scared about what it may mean for this and future babies. I'm scared that years are being shaved from my life with each malfunctioning heartbeat. I'm scared about the recovery: not being able to hold my babies for months, the toll it would take on my body, etc. In all my reading, and in the one case I have heard of (a girl from Soda Springs got it in her mid-20's), I feel like surgery is eminant. Of course, I am trying to completely suppress all of these fears and wait for the Cardiologist to call me. I pray that he will tell me it's all a fluke, I'm just fine, and life can go on as normal. However, I can't help but to be scared. It's easy for others to tell me to "have faith" and "everything will turn out just fine," but I'm finding myself having a hard time with these principles. To completely let go of fear (which is the antithesis of faith) is perhaps the most proving factor of our human existance. To trust that the Lord is in command, that He has a plan for us, and that He will comfort us and carry our burdens in our times of struggle may be the most important lesson we can learn, and yet the hardest. To live life normally this weekend has been nearly impossible, and yet I want to lean back and put it all into the Lord's hands more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. My eyes have been re-opened to what is really important in life: the Gospel, my family, relationships, and how I conduct myself. I sit here with tears streaming down my face, my throat sore from crying, and silently praying that this experience will teach me how to resolutely conquer fear with faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. And through it all, I am also desperately holding onto hope that it will all amount to nothing, or that the surgery can be postponed until after my child-bearing years.

I love you girls. I appreciate your love and support more than you know. I appreciate the fact that I can put on a face that "I'm just fine" to the world, and then collapse at your feet and sob. You are the most understanding and best girlfriends I will ever have.


Kendra said...

How do I say all that I am thinking? Without facing any serious medical problems, I have still been struggling with and pondering a lot about faith recently. My own weaknesses and my constant battle with depression and self-loathing are constantly reminding me of my fragile state and that only with the help of the Lord and the power of the Atonement can I truly make it and be happy. However, like you, I still feel like I'm putting on a face of "I'm just fine!" for most people, when inside I struggle to do what's right and even think what's right. Either way, I know that our experiences in this life are for our good and that our trials are uniquely for us to help us grow closer to our Savior and bring us home to him. I too am so grateful to have you 3 girls in my life! Katie, I love you and I will be here for you no matter what happens.

Uptown Girl said...

I don't really know what to say, except for this:

You can sob at my feet (or lap, or shoulder, or whatever part of my body happens to be the most comfortable at the time) anytime you want or need to for as long as the sun and the moon shall endure.

You all are in my prayers.

Meredith said...

I sure hope that Kendra and Sarah are ok and that this isn't some kind of pattern! I'm glad I got to chat with Katie yesterday. I think it was therapeutic for the both of us. I don't think I ever realized before how unhelpful it is to tell someone who's facing something like this to just not worry or that everything will be ok (not that any of YOU have done that, but it is a typical response from most and maybe even my own previous to these experiences). It's scary and you're going to worry. But it's like Katie said, no matter what happens, we have hope in Christ and that is the most important thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi my name is Jose and I am a Brazilian who lives in Northern Ireland and works in a very small Brazilian/multicultural church.
I was preparing the power point presentation for my sermon today about the conflict between fear and faith when I found the post of Katie expressing all her emotions and thoughts about fear and faith just days before a heart surgery. I know it was posted in 2006 and I do not know what happened after that, but I just want to say that her post was such an inspiration for me and it will bless a group of brothers and sisters that also strugles between faith and fear on the other side of the globe. (I supose you live in America)
Again Thank you and God Bless the Fab Four